Western Nurse – November-December issue – A New Start.
Western Nurse – November-December issue – A New Start.
I am not Forrest Gump and my mother never told me “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Although I do follow the fictitious Mrs Gump’s advise: “You have to do the best with what God gave you.”
My life is not a box of chocolates; I seem to have been given a selection of root vegetables and rather like a Masterchef challenge my success is all about what I do with them. Given my basic ingredients what will I make – coleslaw or an Asian salad? Resilience is about not giving up when you don’t see dinner – it’s all about going to find a recipe and enjoying the meal created!
I have always had, valid or invalid, faith in myself that I would be able to cope with life’s twists and turns. I am downright practical coupled with being physically strong but it’s the mental strain that takes a toll when addressing disability in the family. So it is mental resilience that needs nurturing to ensure my ability to cope. Over the last two years I have overcome issues not because I am the ultimate successor but because I have adjusted my aspirations, adjusted goals, tweaked and worked a route around problems. It is the ability to morph and change that saves the day. The ability to modify at a moments notice, to alter plans or arrangements and on occasions let there be free-flowing order; being able to release control if there can be no control. Go with the flow!
A tangent example of my point is Masterchef as it gripped us this week on TV with the competition contestants selected by taste test , then the limited time cooking under pressure test with surprise ingredients. The amateur competitors were challenged by professional chefs to recreate their restaurant signature dishes which all involve intricate cooking or baking techniques. I feel there is a loose parallel interpretation between Masterchef and coping with a life trauma. I have been challenged to manage under stress, I have to deal with new situations daily with new drugs or care demands. I grapple with doctors, rehabilitation, funding and access. I could align myself to a successful chef, we both manage what we are given and hopefully enjoy the process. Yes, enjoy the proceedings as if you don’t relax into the journey, loosen up, unwind while travelling the course of the day, week, month; life can be overwhelming.
I hold on to my resilient attitude in all I do, I’m not the best at anything but I hope I bring a lively bounce to all my daily interactions and activities. I was resilient prior to Emily’s accident and now draw on this trait as I aspire to be a role model for all my children. From day one I hoped things would be better and life has surpassed my expectations. Am I easily pleased or realistic? Does my resilience lie in my acceptance of life’s deal to me and my ability to see root vegetables as coleslaw? I work hard to enjoy what I got dealt, that’s resilience.
I read an article which I wanted to share with you. It focused on depression, it’s the most common mental illness. Carers must take care to battle any blues, read more to help yourself….
Depression is twice as common in women as men according to the World Health Organisation. Most everyday carers are female so it’s obvious that attention needs to be taken to enlighten carers, ensuring carers keep healthy; mentally and physically.
I succinctly edited the article’s information, advice and recommendations:
As a carer I maybe at increased risk of clinical depression but with a good diet, a minimum of 2-3 hours exercise a week, some coffee (enjoyed with friends) and actively contributing to my community I am less likely to become seriously affected with depression. If I do feel shaky mentally or physically then a visit to my GP can remedy my psyche in a timely manner.
Carers need to be fit to care and above all else I don’t want to walk around with 6 additional years of worry, distress and wrinkles on my coping face. I actually want to enjoy life and wear a smile. Just be aware and take care of yourself.
Statistics taken from Depression by the Numbers www.shape.com.sg
“I dislike deep dark holes” sounds random but let me explain. There have been instances when issues drop into my lap, problems which I don’t have any answers to. Being a good listener maybe all that is required, yet I can be subtlety drawn towards the dark, swirling maelstrom, that spirals out of control to a deep hole that traps us at the bottom where we can get stuck trying to figure out how to address the issue. I prefer not to participate in any mental surfing that ruminates on problems in a brooding fashion. I prefer to stay firmly above ground in the sunlight and have a ladder or rope ready for any hole dwelling, mulling, contemplative individuals. I can put the kettle on and call with words of encouragement, I can listen for as long as it takes but I resist the temptation to fall into the whirlpool of circling thoughts and issues. This theory works both ways as when I feel rotten and can’t see the wood for the trees I talk to my family and friends and there is always someone with a verbal, not literal, ladder to help me out of my hole.
Sometimes issues can be resolved by simply remembering: the past cannot be changed, and doesn’t change the more anyone talks about it, so best to accept it as it is. The future is unknown so no point mulling endlessly about what could happen in a million different imagined scenarios. The key is to be in the present, address just what is in front of you today. I have for some time now been practising living here and now, being responsive rather than reactive. I endeavour to drop any bias that entrenches or prejudices my interpretation. My aim is to see life just as it is. If I observe life with this attitude life is usually simple and accommodating.
Emily’s spinal cord injury has lead to some deep thoughts revolving around the unanswerable “WHY?”. It is best not to get drawn into that debate because it just simply is. There is no answer to “WHY?” “IF ONLY” “WHAT IF” . If I do try to process these questions I’ll just end up with an ulcer. However many times I revisit the past the outcome never alters. I can not anticipate the future as too many variables and unknowns so the best place to be is here, right now, enjoying the day in front of me. It would be a shame to miss today as missing today means I’m missing the point.
If I find myself in a deep musing hole I pop my head over the rim and look around as answers are rarely to be found in rumination pits. Answers may never come to me but living in reflective depression asking tough soul searching questions of life is no way to spend my time so I chose to stare each day in the face and make the most of it. The best approach for me is to accept I’ll make mistakes but if I care and hold on to my core values with integrity, if I always treat others as I would have them treat me, then maybe clarity will come to all my questions and enlightenment will show me a clear path forward, no dark melancholy holes involved.
What started off as a post about carer support groups and resources unearthed a slightly unwieldy amount of local, state and national information. There is more to carer support than I knew…..
Yesterday I did something spontaneous, it worked successfully and instilled confidence in both Emily and me. It made me re-address how living with a disabled person imposes care routines and schedules that without attention become accepted, fixed and rigid. A change in routine is cathartic, it releases the mind and body from stagnation and infuses excitement back into the day.
As a carer I naturally worry, there are many issues that need my attention and I can even imagine I’m indispensable. How can I readjust my thoughts so that I am calm, focused on the important stuff and open to spontaneous worry-free adventures.
My New Year resolution is to not make any, to just roll with the year and whatever presents itself – I’ll manage, cope and conquer! I did swiftly proceed to call a family meeting to plan some holiday times intersected into work and University schedules. Last year’s down time was critical but it was reactive rather than researched and proactive.
I had a turbulent few days which rocked my boat this week. I aim to hold a steady course in life but life rarely stays calm enough for me to put the kettle on before a squall blows up and invariably I have to alter my tack to keep heading straight.
I just don’t know that this isn’t the best day of my life?