This week I reflected on another year past, another year older and I happened to read my own journal.
Very early in Emily’s acute trauma phase I was advised to give the page my worries. Write down my thoughts, unload my anxieties into a journal. I then close the journal on that days scribed sentiments; having acknowledged the thoughts I release myself from their grasp. By writing down any circulating concerns my thinking was documented, defined and distilled which helped halt particularly emotional vexations. Penning everything into my journal allowed me to reflect on my thoughts validity. Some of my scribblings were transient fears which resolved quickly. Other fears may never be rectified but at least I acknowledge them and can rest alongside that realisation and start the process of acceptance.
Writing can be therapeutic, mine can be jumbled especially at times of stress or when situations and decisions are overwhelming but I look back and I can read my resolve to manage; to cope. Re-reading where I have been is an important part of my journal. The realization that I have come through periods of acute stress, survived challenging demands and as Elton John sings “I’m still standing better than I ever did“.
Being resolved to manage has an element of endurance woven between each letter and word. On occasions I feel disheartened and de-skilled. At times I feel unfulfilled when I spend my day, week wrapped up in service provision. It is fair to say that I seek to affirm the value in what I do. Standing beside Emily as an everyday carer is an invisible role to many onlookers and maintaining my rigorous approach and selflessness is difficult at times. Life isn’t full of reward and glory so keeping up and carrying on needs self motivation and that requires oodles of mental determination and strength.
I re-read my journal and was surprised how many times I repeated “I’m resolved to manage.” It acted as a practical mantra, it has had an effect on me as I realised that to manage I had to be resolved to manage. That mantra is as important today as it was in 2012 and I will no doubt reflect on this often repeated phrase sometime in my unknown future. My resolve to manage has served me well to date and my journal is worth a read from time to time!
Another year past! Cheers!